Going through a divorce can be a very challenging time. There are so many things you need to take into consideration and so many people’s feelings that might be considered. The people you’re close to, friends and family alike, will have plenty of questions, and many might end up giving you unsolicited advice. Staying calm and collected during this time can be difficult since you’ll already be dealing with your own onslaught of emotions. Even if the divorce is amicable and you both decide to remain friends, it’s still likely that you’ll experience the natural regret that comes after a relationship reaches its end.
It’s essential to make room for all these emotions and acknowledge them instead of attempting to stifle them. However, things can become even more challenging when kids are involved in the equation. If you’re navigating the complexities of a divorce in which children are involved as well, you must remember that understanding the mechanisms and impact of what’s going on is the key to tackling the issue in a successful manner.
What is parental alienation?
The concept of parental alienation refers to the process through which children can become estranged from one of their parents as a result of psychological manipulation carried out by the other parent. While this situation can occur in any family unit, it is unfortunately more common in the case of divorce, and especially if the separation is lengthy and complicated. The concept is somewhat controversial among members of both the legal system and within the psychological community. Critics claim that genuine estrangement is very rare, and there are concerns that a parent who has caused alienation by committing acts of domestic violence or child abuse could falsely claim that they’re the victim of parental alienation to manipulate the opinions of the courts and even gain custody of the child.
Proponents of the concept, on the other hand, believe that it is a very real issue that occurs in many cases for the purpose of excluding the other parent from the child’s life. Some have even proposed that the concept be accepted as a form of child abuse or family violence. But what exactly does parental estrangement entail, and how can you recognize it when it happens?
The characteristics
The first and most important thing when it comes to parental alienation is to make a clear distinction between it and the cases of justified parental estrangement. The latter occurs as a result of abusive behaviors as well as neglect or abandonment. The difference when it comes to alienation is that the response is highly disproportionate to anything that the parent may have done.
If the relationship between the parent and the child used to be loving and harmonious before but has deteriorated significantly and rapidly since the divorce, it could be a sign that parental alienation is to blame. If the mother or father dealing with this situation can honestly say that nothing about their behavior has changed, then it is highly possible that external factors have contributed to your child’s attitude.
Promoting alienation can be seen as an attempt to undermine your status as a parent and diminish your importance in the process of co-parenting. Some of the tell-tale signs include one of the parents saying negative things about the other in front of the children, limiting the time the other parent can spend with the children, interfering with phone calls or visitation times, making the child choose one of their parents over the other, and preventing the other parent from having information about the child as a joint-custodian.
The impact
The scope and effects of parental alienation can be very broad, depending on the methods used and the general dynamics of your family. Anxiety and depression are common as a result of the drastic and negative changes in the relationship between parent and child. Post-traumatic stress disorder can occur as well. The difficulties can persist even after the alienated children have been reunited with the parents, especially if a long time passed before the bond was broken and the eventual reconciliation.
The fact that a child’s relationship with their parent is affected can have deep repercussions for future relationships as well, making them less stable and providing them with a skewed perception of other people’s reactions. They can also end up feeling justified in expressing negative views without any justification or reason.
What can be done?
Parental alienation is a complex issue that must be treated carefully in order to ensure that you don’t end up doing more harm than good. The most important thing is to remain calm. Giving in to anger, frustration, or desperation seems like the most obvious reaction, but retaliating in this manner will be detrimental in the long-term. You must remain cooperative, solution-oriented, and show that your child is your main priority.
Keep records of your communication with your ex-spouse, as well as missed visitations or times when your communication was interfered with. Show up for your child and be present for them, even if they seem withdrawn or angry. Don’t put any pressure on them. You can also consider talking to a child custody evaluator in order to determine if something is truly amiss. If the answer is yes, they can also help you develop a better grasp of the nuances of alienation as it has occurred in your family.
The bottom line
Addressing alienation is not about who’s right and who’s wrong; it is a crucial part of protecting the bond you have with your child. While the situation can be downright devastating, it isn’t hopeless, and you can definitely mend your relationship. Individual counseling and reunification therapy can help in the more extreme cases, so that you create a strong and supportive environment and correct any distorted perceptions in a helpful manner.
Any lingering confusion and guilt can be discussed in therapy as well; in some cases, the alienating parent may be required to join as well. Consistency is key here, so that the focus can shift to positive interactions again, and that retaliation can be avoided.