By Celia Rivenbark –
The name is Petraeus. David Petraeus. But you can call me “Peaches.”
Oh, what is wrong with the nation’s No. 1 double naught spy when he gets caught with a mistress who appears to be one boiled bunny on the stove away from going completely nutso?
We haven’t seen this kind of kinky crush since that astronaut lady wore supersonic diapers as she drove across the country to confront her ex-boyfriend’s new lover.
I don’t know much about the CIA, other than what I learned from watching Robert Di Niro in “Meet the Parents,” but I’m pretty sure that if there’s anyone one earth who can keep a secret, it should be the head of the agency. I mean, honestly, if you can train a cat to use the toilet, you should be able to weed out the indiscreet lover, right?
“What? You cheated on your wife with me and now I’m going to silently sit by while you possibly cheat on me with another woman? Sure, that’s OK,” said No Woman in the World Ever.
Peaches made the mistake that so many men have made before him: He got involved with a woman who refused to quietly fade away when dumped.
For that chest full of medals and all his spy smarts, the four-star General turned out to be a simpleton when it comes to knowing how to get rid of a clingy girlfriend.
When paramour Paula Broadwell, the attractive 40-year-old author of Peaches’ biography “All In,” (yes, we can’t make this stuff up) began to get jealous of his friendship with 38-year-old Jill Kelley, she decided to send a few threatening emails to Kelley. Which freaked out Kelley, a longtime family friend of the Petraeus clan. She ratted out Broadwell to the feds and, well, the next thing you know, ol’ Jed’s a millionaire.
No, no, I meant to say, Petraeus throws up his hands and says: “I love big butts, I cannot lie.”
No, no, again. He quit. Just up and resigned from his dream job after only a year.
And now his underling, General John Allen, Top American Commander in Afghanistan is in trouble for sending “20,000 to 30,000 pages” of emails to Jill Kelley.
What the WHAT?
Who the devil is taking care of America’s crucial spy bidness while Wayne and Garth are going all Chatty Cathy to their women?
General Petraeus: “General Allen, we need to talk about the drone strikes planned for the outer perimeter of substation XENON at thirteen hundred hours.”
General John Allen: “Huh? Oh, right. Is that one o’clock in the morning or the afternoon? I always forget. But first, dude, how do you make the emoticon that makes the little winky face? Jill just loves it when I use emoticons.”
General Petraeus: “I know, right?”
The email revelation has torpedoed Allen’s expected promotion to Commander of NATO forces in Europe. Guess he better find the sad-face emoticon now.
