This is an area that appalls me to no end. These warehouses for death are a blight on this country and at the same time an indictment against the civilization that panders to them. If you have entered them for one reason or another, then you know the horror that lies therein.
To someone who stems from my culture these are aberrant places, they are places of abandonment…a dumping ground for loved ones who have become disposable and need to be set aside and out of sight until death comes for them. If you put your parents in one of these holding pens then God should strike you down. Even if your parents did not treat you well growing up they deserve more at the end of their life than a shared room with another discarded soul.
I suppose you visit once a week for a few minutes…maybe even an hour for someone who raised you and loved you more than life itself. And that is if you live in the same city; if you live out of town the visit is replaced with a phone call, again once a week maybe on Sunday nights when you are told about your grandchildren, and where they are going on their next vacation. If you live out of town; think back to that day, the day visited with your parent or parents about this very thing. It was then decided the best thing to do was sell the house, call Goodwill and give them the furniture and move Mom & Dad into a nursing home. Now that is out of the way; you call often you write and send cards but you live far away and work, you have family obligations that prevent you from coming that often…birthday greetings are given over the phone, maybe a plant is sent…maybe. If you must travel this route, I suggest you move your loved one to a facility to the community you now live in; these facilities are all across the country, that way you can at least see them in person.
But when mealtime comes your Mother & Father are going to eat food you yourself would not…but they won’t complain because they love you too much to make you worry. Nights are spent with someone else in the room, and that means all sorts of things can happen, but they won’t complain because they love you too much to worry you. Their surrounding are filled with people who walk around half dressed, slumped over in a wheelchair drugged and parked along side a corridor…you see them there when you come to visit. The doors to the rooms are open and you see people lying there with there mouth open, the air filled with disinfectants and all sorts of stale odors. More likely than not, they are waiting for the angle of death to take them from this unimaginable hell.
A friend of mine pointed out what he thought to be positives in defense of these hell holes. He reminded me that many who live in these places have no one to care for them, that they were childless and had no one to step up. I’ll give him that but the great preponderance lies with me; these people have children…..children who were raised in a home where they stood witness to their grandparents being sent into the same facilities where they have now placed their own parents, and where they fully expect to enter themselves one day.
People carefully transfer whatever wealth they may have acquired during there lifetime, to their children at least two to five years prior to entering such a facility…then throw themselves on the mercy of the welfare system who will in turn pay for their care as indigent victims. Your tax dollars will find their way into those bank accounts one way or another.
My mother lived to be 99 years and 7 months; I tried to get her to 100 but her parts just wore out. For years I cooked, washed and ironed clothes, cut her finger nails and toe nails. I washed her hair and towards the end helped her bathe and change clothes. I delayed travel plans and told myself there would be other times to go where I needed to. In the land where we came from there are no such facilities; parents live with their children until death…it is a natural way of life, like it was meant to be. I know Greek men who have done the same; one man’s mother lived to be 102 and he took care of her….no nursing home.
These homes are now integrated into our society, acceptable and expected; but not where my people came from….never ever. There are solutions, other options, each different but they do exist.
If there is real estate involved and your mother or father can no longer adequately take total care of themselves, perhaps have limited capabilities, then think about searching for someone who is functional and capable enough to assist in giving care in exchange for a place to live; we don’t all age at the same rate. There are nurses who can visit daily; don’t tell me something can happen while they are alone, I know that.
A friend of my is currently doing life at one of these facilities in Mason City. I won’t name it. He fell in his room and injured his arm which required a trip to the hospital. He laid on the floor for what he said was a long time before anyone found him. He has two sons, one in Minnesota and one in Colorado.
We all must look into the mirror each day, for some its easy, for others maybe not so easy……
Peter Children
23 thoughts on “Op-ed: Nursing homes are “warehouses for death” by Peter Children”
Our mother told us she would NEVER move in with any of us kids. She would go to a nursing home when that time came and she did. She made the decision herself and she never complained. We all visited often and took her occasional homemade meals & her favorite Barrel chicken. No place is perfect, but not every child can physically care for a physically disabled parent, either. I also think assisted living homes are a great place for people who are not ready for nursing homes but need help…
@Katie-My experience with Assisted Living is, they will suck all of the money they can and then when you become the least little bother they will throw you out. I have seen it done to someone that was in assisted living for 10 years. When she started having health problems they threw her out.
I have a relative in a nursing home with severe dementia. I go to see her every single week and a lot of times twice a week. I just hate going there although she is getting good care and the facility is clean with decent food. Everyone there is just waiting to die with no hope and no life. Unfortunately, even though they have dementia they know they are not at home and most hate it. I am hoping if I start to get that way I still have enough sense to end it.
Cont.-Other countries take care of their elderly relatives. In China it is a law that they must. Only here do we lock them away and forget them. It is also terribly expensive. very few people have the resources to stay in a nursing home very long on their own money. And, if they do it will drain their savings very quickly. I do agree with the title of this Op-ed. Although, the staff there treats the people very well.
What do you mean “if you start to get that way”? Clearly you have been showing signs of dementia for a while now LVS. Ok I’ll apologize for that one, but I couldn’t resist. I agree with you though on “ending it”. Doctor assisted suicide should be legal in all states. Wasting away in a nursing home is not how I want to spend my twilight years.
@Lefty-For once I agree with you. When the end is near we should have the right to go out with dignity. I had another relative that had severe dementia for twelve years before dying. He was in a diaper and could not even talk when he finally went. I remember when he first got sick he asked me for my gun so he could end it with some dignity. Of course I couldn’t do that, although I sure wanted to No one should have to die that way.
That’s at least the second time you’ve agreed with me.
I work in long term care, and I am very proud of the love and compassion I give to my residents. It’s never an easy choice for a family to make. Sometimes, it’s just impossible to take care of loved ones at home. When a parent is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it’s hard to tell how quickly the illness will progress. In later stages of the illness, the person usually doesn’t know their loved ones anymore, and become easily frustrated. It’s not just hard on the petson, but the family.
And sometimes, long term care is the only place to turn. The field has changed so much since the 80’s. There are no more physical and chemical restraints. The facilities have many activities which the residents enjoy. Music, games, and bingo, which is the favorite. Of course there are the people that their families don’t visit, and it’s quite sad. But what do you do. You can’t force children to visit or call. That’s where you see good employees becoming friends to the patients.
I agree with this article and we need to realize that the nurses and physicians in these places are usually bottom of the barrel in their assessment skills. It’s all about the money and they see you in dollars, especially when they see a sizeable estate! Evil. They want to call the shots in their rigid, lazy ways and reporting them to the state is useless.
Peter I have to disagree with you wholeheartedly. I have worked at a nursing home for seven years and the workers that don’t care for their residents never last long. I love and care for my residents more than you can imagine and the ones that you claim are impossible to deal with, actually aren’t. You have to get to know people and what makes them happy and what makes them “difficult” and the nursing home you speak of does just that. I do have to wonder though, these sons you speak of this wonderful man having must have a job in order to pay their bills (which would be more having to take care of their father) so if he fell while they were at work how long do you think he would have laid there before one of them found him? And before writing this did you only talk to an old man who may or may not have problems with his memory or did you talk to his sons about what happened and what was reported from the nurse? I would love for you to come and visit this nursing home some time and see the care , compassion. And genuine love that is given to those residents.
To you who have masde attempts to care for your loved ones, I commend you. All situations are different…as are nursing homes. Remember not that long ago where two young girls were convicted of abusing elderly patients? It happens, not that frequent but it happens. Most, ther majority of nurses working in that area are good people, then there are paitents who are impossible to deal with. With a society as advanced as ours, why can’t we come up with something better, more humane.
There should be outside groups made up of relatives of those housed in these facilities that should have a say in how things are done. In the end if you suspect abuse, speak up and ask your loved one, and if they confirm it go to the law right away.
I wanted to bring awarness to those who read this site of the horrors that exist that we often fail to see.
Peter, I agree with some of the things you say. I know there are good caregivers at nursing homes. I worked off and on in them for years. I gave the best care I could to my patients and seen others working there do the same. I agree 100 percent how some family members drop them off and never look back or the ones that make excuses why the can’t go very often. I had a grandmother in one and was glad to go see her and then when my daughter came along she grew up going to see her. I have two grandchildren that I take to the nursing homes to see people that they have meet and now are in one. I’m not saying that someone that puts there family member in one is not a loving child sometimes there really isn’t a choice. I always thought I’d be the one that got to take care of my Mother when she was unable to take care of herself but because my bother and his family had a better home lay out than I and my sister in-law was a nurse they were the ones that got the honor of taking care of her. See I think it is a honor, a blessing and a privilege to able to take of your parents.
Wow, I hope if you have or ever have children they don’t place such a low priority on family values an care as you.
It is unfortunate if your father treats you ill, but you wan’t to condemn everyone of an elderly age who didn’t treat there children as you an the government think they should have to a prison? Wow, that’s warped and sounds like a socialist idea to me.
I don’t care for nursing homes, however you paint a somewhat untrue picture. Not all are bad.
My wife and I took care of my mother for many years so that she could live in her own home. When health concerns arouse and she needed extended care outside of the hospital, the only choice was a nursing home.
She was treated very well there. The nurses, physical therapists and management did there jobs very well. We were kept up to date on my mothers progress an yes, there was not a day I didn’t visit my mother.
There are people out there who dump there loved ones in a skilled care facility so they don’t have to deal with the problems. But, I doubt keeping them at home would be a better answer because chances are if they care so little for their loved ones they would more then likely be abusive or neglectfull with them at home.
I don’t beleive you are being fair by saying everyone and every facility is bad. Yes, some have problems, what establishment doesn’t? That is where personal responsibility comes in, you are the one that has to check on the well being of your loved ones. If you see something you don’t like, say so and get it corrected.
If you think nursing homes are horrible imagine being a child with a developmental disability growing up in one – NotHomeDocumentary.com
Peter-On this I agree with you. I have said for years that those places are just a bunch of people waiting to die. My Dad spent almost 15 years in one (put there by a uncaring wife)I absolutely hated going there to see him. I lived in another state over 1000 miles away and only got home once or twice a year to see him. My job required that I travel a lot so moving him in with me was not an alternative. I still remember the day he asked me for my gun and of course I had to tell him no. I remember another time when he asked me to push him off the balcony. Even though he had lost some mental capability’s he knew enough to hate it there.
I am sorry for what you and your father went through. I know it must have been hard for both of you.
Maybe you should have listened more and talked less. A lot less. Go tell him you forgive him before its too late. It will do both of you good.
Peter, try getting out from underneath your Dad’s roof, problem solved. Next.
Not to worry, your buddy Obama just took care of all of this with his health care plan. If the end is near, you need not fear, Obama is here!
Life is cheap in our culture now. Unexpected baby? Abortion. Grandma needs your help? Nursing home.
Guy cuts you off in traffic? Toss a few gunshots his way. That’ll teach him.
Very touching, and true. Most workers in these places dont care they just want their paychecks!
You dont have to name the facility I bet I know, GS! My grandma was there.