CHARLES CITY – In another relentless effort to uphold public safety and ensure a tragedy was not taking place, Charles City police raced to the scene of a screaming male juvenile – only to discover the entitled brat was getting beaten in a video game.
The incident took place on the night of September 8, 2025. At 10:35 PM this Monday night (school opens the next morning) a male juvenile was evidently playing video games at a residence in the 100 block of Blunt Street. He was clearly losing so badly that his screams of embarrassment and rage alerted police, who were called to conduct a welfare check at the residence.
“The juvenile was upset as he was losing at a video game,” according to Charles City police records, leading to “screaming.”
Legend has it that the kid had bailed on his homework, told his step dad to phuck off, and drank several energy drinks before logging into his Fortnite game account and then was handily beaten like a drum by an opposing player named Floating_Banana_Dood69. After cops left, the parents consoled the lad by ordering him a pizza and purchasing an upgraded weapons system in his account so that he can beat Floating_Banana_Dood69 and morph into a successful young man.